Self doubt at the keyboard
I'm having some issues. I'm feeling a little inadequate. I hate that. It's the writer's self-esteemios. I have liked almost nothing that I've written so far, and I'm not entirely convinced that the ideas that I have for the rest of my section are any good.
It really is the bad place.
After Susan and I talked book, my dad drove her home. In the car on the way back my dad asked me if we had had a fight. Well no... far from it. We had just talked book, which, unusally, put me in something of a bad mood. That almost never happens. I usually love talking book. I find it invigourating, creativly stimulating, and down right fun! We talked important book tonight, even roughly outlined the rest of book 2 for goodness sake, and yet I left the book talk feeling inadequate. I left, thinking thought like "am I really good enough at this? Am I not just slowing Susan down? Obviously she's the one who's actually good at it".
It's a pain. I'm not always my biggest fan, but usually I can see some merit in my contributions. I also hate writing when I'm like this, because it's a process of self-doubt, with a heaping bowl of self-esteemios. I don't know any other way out of it, though, but to keep writing, and hope the mood has gone away by my next writing!
I think maybe I should seriously consider school's creative writing class in a coming semester. I don't know that there is a lot that I can be taught about my craft that I'm not already fully aware of, but it might be good to be in a space where I'm expected to write regularly, and to get feedback from other people on it. Even if they're all just doing it to be polite, they're bound to say something nice about what I've written, and that's got to help at least a little, right?
Gah! I just feel utterly incapable! My muse feels like a crippled leper. I keep wondering if perhaps our book would be better off if I didn't write these scenes, if I... I don't know... researched moats or something instead. But I have to write them. I know what the scene will look like, and if I had capable actors, I might even be able to direct a meaningful scene in real life. I am just totally doubting my ability to make it into words... accurate, resonating, captivating words. There's a word: captivating. I don't know that I've ever been convinced that my writing is captivating. Elegant? Sure, I'll believe it. Creative, intellectual, meaningful? On a good day, sure. But captivating? Am I writing something that someone would actually want to read, on purpose, because they enjoy it? I really don't know.
But once I get out of my rut, I know I love to write. Not everything I write is crap, because if it was, someone would have told me by now. No real friend lets their friend continue to pursue a goal that they can only fail at. So with this knowledge (that not everything I write is crap) I will continue. I will push through it. I'll glare at my words, and maybe even crumple more of them up and throw them in the garbage can, because that is remarkably and surprisingly rewarding, but I will go on.
But not tonight because I have to wake up early-ish tomorrow (erm... like 9:30, but that's earlier than lately) and I want to read a bit. And I'm feeling inadequate. I'll probably feel inadequate tomorrow, but I suppose I'll just have to ignore that.
It really is the bad place.
After Susan and I talked book, my dad drove her home. In the car on the way back my dad asked me if we had had a fight. Well no... far from it. We had just talked book, which, unusally, put me in something of a bad mood. That almost never happens. I usually love talking book. I find it invigourating, creativly stimulating, and down right fun! We talked important book tonight, even roughly outlined the rest of book 2 for goodness sake, and yet I left the book talk feeling inadequate. I left, thinking thought like "am I really good enough at this? Am I not just slowing Susan down? Obviously she's the one who's actually good at it".
It's a pain. I'm not always my biggest fan, but usually I can see some merit in my contributions. I also hate writing when I'm like this, because it's a process of self-doubt, with a heaping bowl of self-esteemios. I don't know any other way out of it, though, but to keep writing, and hope the mood has gone away by my next writing!
I think maybe I should seriously consider school's creative writing class in a coming semester. I don't know that there is a lot that I can be taught about my craft that I'm not already fully aware of, but it might be good to be in a space where I'm expected to write regularly, and to get feedback from other people on it. Even if they're all just doing it to be polite, they're bound to say something nice about what I've written, and that's got to help at least a little, right?
Gah! I just feel utterly incapable! My muse feels like a crippled leper. I keep wondering if perhaps our book would be better off if I didn't write these scenes, if I... I don't know... researched moats or something instead. But I have to write them. I know what the scene will look like, and if I had capable actors, I might even be able to direct a meaningful scene in real life. I am just totally doubting my ability to make it into words... accurate, resonating, captivating words. There's a word: captivating. I don't know that I've ever been convinced that my writing is captivating. Elegant? Sure, I'll believe it. Creative, intellectual, meaningful? On a good day, sure. But captivating? Am I writing something that someone would actually want to read, on purpose, because they enjoy it? I really don't know.
But once I get out of my rut, I know I love to write. Not everything I write is crap, because if it was, someone would have told me by now. No real friend lets their friend continue to pursue a goal that they can only fail at. So with this knowledge (that not everything I write is crap) I will continue. I will push through it. I'll glare at my words, and maybe even crumple more of them up and throw them in the garbage can, because that is remarkably and surprisingly rewarding, but I will go on.
But not tonight because I have to wake up early-ish tomorrow (erm... like 9:30, but that's earlier than lately) and I want to read a bit. And I'm feeling inadequate. I'll probably feel inadequate tomorrow, but I suppose I'll just have to ignore that.
posted by Bethany @ 12:28 AM
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