Old trappings

While blogger sorts itself out I'm going to try and write a post while hoping that it doesn't get deleted!

I've been writing the beginning pieces, and I really like some of the things that have been happening with them, but I am worrying about maybe having rushed the last few pages that I wrote. I'm getting them to the scene with Taryne's arrival on the page, and getting them to a point where Laleena can divulge who she really is. I want the tension to really be there for the two of them, and I'm just having some trouble writing this scene and not falling into the trappings of the first book! There was some great stuff from that book, to be certain, but I really feel as if I need take those elements and make them into what they were intended to be, something worthy of continued reading. I know that if we don't figure out who Laleena is SOON people will get pissed off, but I also know that if I don't do it in the right way it will be way what we were trying to avoid from the old book. SO here I am between a rock and a hard place: Wanting to keep the integrity of the first finished copy so as to be able to retain the ability to only have to tweak the rest of it instead of COMPLETELY rewriting again, and trying to get rid of the parts that made it nothing but an extended prologue.

Rock vs Hard Place.

I've gotten about four pages down, and done some editing to the first few I did. My other goal is to finish these up in time for beth to read and comment on them tonight so that we have something to discuss tomorrow at the gym.

Self doubt at the keyboard

I'm having some issues. I'm feeling a little inadequate. I hate that. It's the writer's self-esteemios. I have liked almost nothing that I've written so far, and I'm not entirely convinced that the ideas that I have for the rest of my section are any good.

It really is the bad place.

After Susan and I talked book, my dad drove her home. In the car on the way back my dad asked me if we had had a fight. Well no... far from it. We had just talked book, which, unusally, put me in something of a bad mood. That almost never happens. I usually love talking book. I find it invigourating, creativly stimulating, and down right fun! We talked important book tonight, even roughly outlined the rest of book 2 for goodness sake, and yet I left the book talk feeling inadequate. I left, thinking thought like "am I really good enough at this? Am I not just slowing Susan down? Obviously she's the one who's actually good at it".

It's a pain. I'm not always my biggest fan, but usually I can see some merit in my contributions. I also hate writing when I'm like this, because it's a process of self-doubt, with a heaping bowl of self-esteemios. I don't know any other way out of it, though, but to keep writing, and hope the mood has gone away by my next writing!

I think maybe I should seriously consider school's creative writing class in a coming semester. I don't know that there is a lot that I can be taught about my craft that I'm not already fully aware of, but it might be good to be in a space where I'm expected to write regularly, and to get feedback from other people on it. Even if they're all just doing it to be polite, they're bound to say something nice about what I've written, and that's got to help at least a little, right?

Gah! I just feel utterly incapable! My muse feels like a crippled leper. I keep wondering if perhaps our book would be better off if I didn't write these scenes, if I... I don't know... researched moats or something instead. But I have to write them. I know what the scene will look like, and if I had capable actors, I might even be able to direct a meaningful scene in real life. I am just totally doubting my ability to make it into words... accurate, resonating, captivating words. There's a word: captivating. I don't know that I've ever been convinced that my writing is captivating. Elegant? Sure, I'll believe it. Creative, intellectual, meaningful? On a good day, sure. But captivating? Am I writing something that someone would actually want to read, on purpose, because they enjoy it? I really don't know.

But once I get out of my rut, I know I love to write. Not everything I write is crap, because if it was, someone would have told me by now. No real friend lets their friend continue to pursue a goal that they can only fail at. So with this knowledge (that not everything I write is crap) I will continue. I will push through it. I'll glare at my words, and maybe even crumple more of them up and throw them in the garbage can, because that is remarkably and surprisingly rewarding, but I will go on.

But not tonight because I have to wake up early-ish tomorrow (erm... like 9:30, but that's earlier than lately) and I want to read a bit. And I'm feeling inadequate. I'll probably feel inadequate tomorrow, but I suppose I'll just have to ignore that.

Crying to sleep

So I hear this blog cries itself to sleep at night.

Well here I am, not neglecting it. I have written. 5 and a half pages or so. Okay, so that's not the most impressive amount, but I'm on it, right?

I even brought my first writing spurt, printed out, to Susan so she could see with her very eyes that I was on it. I then wrote a bit more. I finished with my Taryne scene. Depending how exausting the Fraser - Laleena - Fraser (I'm pretty sure it will work in that order) goes, I may or may not do another Taryne. Suse may have deal with that on her own.

I've [oh lord... papa just got here... there's my productivity cut in half...]

-- I don't even remember how I meant to end that sentence. I had to go make papa a "wee cup of tea" and have a conversation about Canadian content laws, Elvis, and #1 hits that we've had about 436 times. *rolls eyes* And I don't even know if I can write now because leaving him alone out there seems incredably rude. Sigh.

Too much and too little

The writing took very little writing. Apparently these beginning scenes are exactly where my head are. I actually enjoyed what I wrote, and while I fear that the beginning scenes might be a bit much I think that they were what was needed for the character. The truth is that the muse and I have been conversing about these scenes for a little while now and the both of us are rather pleased with what we came up with.

I can't remember how many pages we axed, but I do know that we're up to the thirty page count now. I managed about eight pages today and I like them all so far. A character we created for this recreation is coming in really handy for adding to the tension of the piece.

What did take a lot of effort was signing into this account. Oi Vey! I couldn't remember what email address and password to use, and it took about a million tries before I managed to get it all together. Well, yay at least now I've managed. I'm pretty proud of myself for getting down to work. It's a good feeling, this writing stuff I enjoy thing. Go figure!

Accomplishment!

OK, so I wrote about a page and a half after having the files back on the computer, then I sent it to Beth. I determined that since we were both in the habit of keeping it with us only to write about three pages after about a month of nothing and then give it to someone else I'd try to break the habit. I hope it works!

I still have the beginning in my posession, but I have ideas rolling for that. Beth and I came to the realisation that we have less than half of the second to go, which is way cool! That means about 40 000 words, and then we're done. It feels strange, but real, and actually good, which is a novilty. I feel affirmed that I can get the Fraser/Laleena story done by then, but I still feel like I'm walking blind with Taryne. That damned academy is really making my brain work overtime.

Whatever the case, I'm feeling super creative lately, and my juices should be running well, after I get some sleep.